So if you have talked to me recently/read my blog at all, you know that I have been over-the-top busy and stressed. As I have mentioned before, I have felt like I am drowning in school and work. But last week, I started to feel like I was getting a little bit more control over my life. Granted I wasn't scheduled to work at all last week, so maybe that was why it was less stressful than usual. But while I was still busy, I was starting to have a more positive outlook. Friday night, I stayed home like a good girl and studied until almost one in the morning for a Doctrine and Covenants Midterm. It was a lame Friday night, but I actually felt good, because I knew the material pretty well after studying for so long, and I was positive that this would be the one midterm I absolutely aced. I got up Saturday morning, reviewed the material once more, than headed to the Testing Center thinking "I am going to rock this test, and I am going to have a great day!"
And then that beautiful morning turned into a nightmare.
I was told that there were no Doctrine and Covenants tests being handed out that day. I couldn't remember my professor's name, so I went to the computer to look his name up and decided to triple check that the midterm was able to be taken today. Yes, it said in the syllabus that it was open Oct. 16-20. I double checked the date. Yes today was the 20. Kay good, I can take the test. I went back up to the lady to ask once more for my test. "Oh no, sorry, that test closed yesterday" was the reply I got. What? Are you kidding me? It says in the syllabus on LearningSuite that it is open today. "Well you'll just have to email your professor about that, and maybe he'll let you take it in his office, but we don't have any tests here for you to take." I felt so sick. How could this happen to me? I was so upset with the Lord too, I am sorry to say. I did my part! I studied for hours on a Friday night and I was so sure I was going to do well, but now I can't take it?!
I emailed my professor, but you know professors, they don't check their email constantly like I do, and thus I waited all day for a reply, worrying, stressing, unable to enjoy the beautiful day because of the awful morning I had. I went to a Relief Society activity where we carved pumpkins. That was fun, but in the back of my head I kept worrying about that test. I went and spent the evening with my friend Erica and we made very yummy food and talked for hours and I had so fun and felt really happy there, but once I came home, the gloom returned. I checked my email. My professor had written me back, but it wasn't good. I was the only one who had missed the test, everyone else had seemed to get the memo that the dates were changed, and he said we needed to talk. From the sound of the email, it didn't sound like I was going to be able to take the test.
I sat on my couch, too upset to go to bed, even though it was late at night. If only I could withdraw from the class. I had had the thought before, but I was pretty sure I had missed the withdraw deadline. I decided to check for sure. Wow I hadn't! And suddenly the beauty of it lay before my eyes. If I wasn't able to take the test, I'd probably only get a C in the class, which isn't terribly bad, but I want a good GPA so I can get scholarships. That's mainly my biggest concern. But if I withdrew from the class, not only would it not lower my GPA, but it would free up some of my time! I could have more time to get stuff done!
So I looked up the process of how to withdraw from a class. I wasn't going to do it yet, not until I knew for sure that I couldn't take the test. But here is where the REAL blessing came in. I happened to notice while looking at my schedule and the calendar, that because my Spanish class was a block class for the second half of the semester, it could still be dropped. I didn't even have to withdraw from that class, I could just drop it.
I was in shock and suddenly felt such love from my Heavenly Father and such guilt for thinking he had abandoned me. This wasn't a punishment or anything from the Lord. He hadn't abandoned me. He was giving me the opportunity to drop a class-which I prayed would be Spanish and not D&C. If I hadn't missed my test, I doubt I would have discovered that I could drop my Spanish class, which I needed to do. I had been complaining that the Apostles teach us that we should not make our lives too busy, but there was just no way for me to make it any less busy. I couldn't eliminate my classes. I couldn't eliminate my job. But now here was the chance to free up an hour of each day for a class I didn't even need.
In the end, my professor let me take the test, which I did end up acing. I don't know yet what my score was, but I am positive it's an A. I whipped through those answers with utmost confidence. I didn't need to withdraw from the class, and I right afterward, I went and dropped my Spanish class. I am so grateful that I ended up missing the deadline to take that test, because it turned out to be such a blessing! The Lord is looking out for me, but his plans are different than mine, and sometimes don't make any sense in the process, but in the end, he really does know what's best for me, and if I give him the reins, he will lead me to the best possible outcome.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Learning a new lesson...the hard way of course
So the past few weeks have been stressful to the max. I've barely had time to breathe. I felt and still somewhat feel like I am drowning in school and work. There is just so much to do. Sunday I had a nervous breakdown. Thank goodness for my roommate Lexi to hold me while I cry and to make me pumpkin muffins the next morning. This semester is definitely different than last year, though I was equally busy and stressed. The difference between last Fall and this Fall is that last time, I knew that if I did my very best, the Lord would make up the rest. And it always happened. Somehow, I always managed to get everything done, even when it seemed impossible, and I grew so close to the Lord because of it.
But this semester has been different. I don't get everything done, and I'm not doing as well as I want to be doing. I didn't feel like the Lord was helping me like he had been last fall. I felt forgotten and alone. And to add to that, I STILL don't know anyone in our ward. It's getting to be in my opinion ridiculous. We don't have Home Teachers, we don't have Visiting Teachers. We finally got an FHE family, but it's so big, there's no way I'm going to get to know anyone unless we break it up into smaller groups. So yes, Sunday I had a nervous breakdown, wishing I had a friend, wishing I had my mom, and crying out to the Lord in my head "Lord, why hast thou forsaken me? Why haven't you been there for me like you always have?"
Well yesterday I realized something and I would like to share with you. Sometimes, we are going to fail. We are going to mess up, and we cannot avoid it. And sometimes, the Lord lets us fail. Not because he is punishing us. But because he is trying to show us that we can stand up again after we fall. He doesn't always pick us right up, because he wants to show us that yes, we fell, and maybe we scraped our elbow, and maybe it hurts, but we can still get up and start again. Last year, I learned to trust in the Lord that he would always get me through the hard times. It was a wonderful experience for me, a great lesson. But now I'm learning a new lesson: to trust in the Lord even when it seems that he is not there. It is not that he has left you. It is not that he is punishing you. He is helping you to grow, and his love is all around you. But sometimes he lets you fail, so that he can show you what it is like to get up from the fall. It's a hard lesson to learn.
Well I better get back to studying. I just wanted to share this because I thought there might be someone in the same boat as me. Good luck on midterms everyone!
But this semester has been different. I don't get everything done, and I'm not doing as well as I want to be doing. I didn't feel like the Lord was helping me like he had been last fall. I felt forgotten and alone. And to add to that, I STILL don't know anyone in our ward. It's getting to be in my opinion ridiculous. We don't have Home Teachers, we don't have Visiting Teachers. We finally got an FHE family, but it's so big, there's no way I'm going to get to know anyone unless we break it up into smaller groups. So yes, Sunday I had a nervous breakdown, wishing I had a friend, wishing I had my mom, and crying out to the Lord in my head "Lord, why hast thou forsaken me? Why haven't you been there for me like you always have?"
Well yesterday I realized something and I would like to share with you. Sometimes, we are going to fail. We are going to mess up, and we cannot avoid it. And sometimes, the Lord lets us fail. Not because he is punishing us. But because he is trying to show us that we can stand up again after we fall. He doesn't always pick us right up, because he wants to show us that yes, we fell, and maybe we scraped our elbow, and maybe it hurts, but we can still get up and start again. Last year, I learned to trust in the Lord that he would always get me through the hard times. It was a wonderful experience for me, a great lesson. But now I'm learning a new lesson: to trust in the Lord even when it seems that he is not there. It is not that he has left you. It is not that he is punishing you. He is helping you to grow, and his love is all around you. But sometimes he lets you fail, so that he can show you what it is like to get up from the fall. It's a hard lesson to learn.
Well I better get back to studying. I just wanted to share this because I thought there might be someone in the same boat as me. Good luck on midterms everyone!
Monday, October 8, 2012
The Best News I Have Ever Received
I would like to share a little story with you. Saturday morning I woke up refreshed but cold. We keep our window open at night and there was a lovely autumn draft blowing on me. I watched my roommate move about the room, thinking to myself I needed to get up and get ready, but it was so comfortable in my bed and it was so cold in the room. Eventually I got up and dressed, cold, but enjoying the crisp autumn-smelling breeze. I walked to my old roommates' apartment to watch General Conference with my friends Becca and Carolina. It was quiet outside, the birds were chirping, the leaves were turning brown. I already knew that it was going to be a good day.
The three of us sat on Carolina's bed, each readying ourselves to take notes on the Conference Session. The internet was being slow and so we were actually behind in the session. Suddenly a roommate of theirs came bursting into the room exclaiming "did you just hear that?!" We had no idea what she was talking about. President Monson was talking, but as of yet it just seemed to be the normal welcome he gave us. Something big was coming. We knew it and we tensed for the news.
Temples, President Monson was talking about temples. Was the news about temples? He announced two temples being built in Peru and Arizona. Okay, great. Was that supposed to be the big news?
Missionary work, he's talking about missionary work. Numbers have gone up. Is that the big news? Their roommate assured us that the big news had yet to come.
President Monson started talking about boys in other countries serving missions at age 18. And even though my whole body was tense, waiting for the news, I still didn't see it coming.
The age for boys to leave on missions was officially changed to 18. The three of us were in amazement. This was spectacular! What amazing news!
But the best was still to come.
President Monson started talking about women.
My stomach started doing somersaults. Could it be....?
Yes. The age for women to go on a mission was lowered from 21 to 19.
"OH MY GOSH!!!" the three of us started screaming.
In case you didn't know, I am 19.
We had to pause Conference SEVERAL times after that so we could scream some more. There were a little bit of tears and a great deal of stunned silence when we turned Conference back on. It was so overwhelming. Suddenly, all of our life plans were in shambles. I had my next two years completely planned out. I figured when I turned 21 I would decide whether I wanted to go on a mission or not. And now suddenly, I could go now. I wanted to go now.
I am going now.
We had such a hard time paying attention to Conference after that. Sunday, however, Lexi and I drove to Salt Lake, listening to Conference on the radio as we did. Boy did we feel the spirit. I actually cried while in the car. Just that morning I was having some pretty selfish and superficial thoughts, and President Eyering and Elder Holland just wiped those thoughts of mine away. I know what I'm supposed to do. We then watched the Sunday Afternoon session in the Conference Center. This was my first time going to Conference and it was so powerful and beautiful.
I'm sure plenty of girls had a similar experience to mine. And I know that every girl is going to make her own decision and that whatever she chooses will be for her own reasons and that the Lord's plan is different for every girl.
But here is what I have decided. I am going to get my papers in this semester so that I can be available to leave for a mission next semester at the earliest. And then it will be up to the Lord whether I go next semester or I get the call for 6 months later. That will be his decision when he needs me most.
What is absolutely amazing, is the past 2 weeks or so, Lexi and I have been complaining about the age for women missionaries. "Why can't we go now?" we complained. I don't know where I will be when I am 21, but I know where I am now. If we were allowed to leave at age 19, I would, I had told the Lord. I had other intimate discussions with the Lord that are private and so I won't share, but it made it so that when the Prophet made this announcement, I realized that I had already made an agreement with Him. I had made him a promise without even realizing it, and now I was expected to live up to it.
I'm going on a mission guys!
The three of us sat on Carolina's bed, each readying ourselves to take notes on the Conference Session. The internet was being slow and so we were actually behind in the session. Suddenly a roommate of theirs came bursting into the room exclaiming "did you just hear that?!" We had no idea what she was talking about. President Monson was talking, but as of yet it just seemed to be the normal welcome he gave us. Something big was coming. We knew it and we tensed for the news.
Temples, President Monson was talking about temples. Was the news about temples? He announced two temples being built in Peru and Arizona. Okay, great. Was that supposed to be the big news?
Missionary work, he's talking about missionary work. Numbers have gone up. Is that the big news? Their roommate assured us that the big news had yet to come.
President Monson started talking about boys in other countries serving missions at age 18. And even though my whole body was tense, waiting for the news, I still didn't see it coming.
The age for boys to leave on missions was officially changed to 18. The three of us were in amazement. This was spectacular! What amazing news!
But the best was still to come.
President Monson started talking about women.
My stomach started doing somersaults. Could it be....?
Yes. The age for women to go on a mission was lowered from 21 to 19.
"OH MY GOSH!!!" the three of us started screaming.
In case you didn't know, I am 19.
We had to pause Conference SEVERAL times after that so we could scream some more. There were a little bit of tears and a great deal of stunned silence when we turned Conference back on. It was so overwhelming. Suddenly, all of our life plans were in shambles. I had my next two years completely planned out. I figured when I turned 21 I would decide whether I wanted to go on a mission or not. And now suddenly, I could go now. I wanted to go now.
I am going now.
We had such a hard time paying attention to Conference after that. Sunday, however, Lexi and I drove to Salt Lake, listening to Conference on the radio as we did. Boy did we feel the spirit. I actually cried while in the car. Just that morning I was having some pretty selfish and superficial thoughts, and President Eyering and Elder Holland just wiped those thoughts of mine away. I know what I'm supposed to do. We then watched the Sunday Afternoon session in the Conference Center. This was my first time going to Conference and it was so powerful and beautiful.
I'm sure plenty of girls had a similar experience to mine. And I know that every girl is going to make her own decision and that whatever she chooses will be for her own reasons and that the Lord's plan is different for every girl.
But here is what I have decided. I am going to get my papers in this semester so that I can be available to leave for a mission next semester at the earliest. And then it will be up to the Lord whether I go next semester or I get the call for 6 months later. That will be his decision when he needs me most.
What is absolutely amazing, is the past 2 weeks or so, Lexi and I have been complaining about the age for women missionaries. "Why can't we go now?" we complained. I don't know where I will be when I am 21, but I know where I am now. If we were allowed to leave at age 19, I would, I had told the Lord. I had other intimate discussions with the Lord that are private and so I won't share, but it made it so that when the Prophet made this announcement, I realized that I had already made an agreement with Him. I had made him a promise without even realizing it, and now I was expected to live up to it.
I'm going on a mission guys!
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Zero Time
I haven't written in a while because I have simply been way too busy, too stressed, and pretty much just in over my head with work and school. I have not been this busy and stressed since last fall, infamous last fall when I took 17 1/2 credits and only barely survived to tell the tale. Somehow, I haven't seemed to have learned my lesson yet. I really did try to take less credits this time, but my schedule just would not cooperate, and now with 16 1/2 credits and an on-call job, I feel like I am drowning. In the past week I have taken the majority of my midterms and yesterday was my last big midterm. I only have dance tests and my Doctrine and Covenants midterm left. But yesterday...let's just say I walked away numb. I never get grades like that. Even last fall when I was so stressed and busy and I had several mental break-downs, I didn't get any grades like that.
And I'm really not loving where I live right now. I don't know anyone yet. We don't have FHE groups, we don't have Home Teachers, we don't have Visiting Teachers. FHE is always with the ward and it is at the same time I have class on Mondays. I am getting really frustrated with the fact that I don't know anyone. And I'm really frustrated with the fact that I haven't gone running in over a week and I'm supposed to be training for a half-marathon. And I haven't played the piano in weeks! That really really bugs me. I miss it so dang bad, but I haven't had time to play. I am only writing right now in this blog because I found some time before my next class starts.
I refuse to give up though. Everything happens for a reason, and trials are there to make us stronger and help us learn. I will get through this. So far, I have learned that I need to start studying for my botany test weeks in advance and not try to rely on the book to explain concepts to me. One thing I have a real big problem with, is prioritizing which things on my "important list" are most important and need to be done first. You see, when it comes to school work, I consider everything to be most important, even if it is a five point assignment. I try to get every assignment done and on time and perfect, but it simply isn't possible all of the time. I really need to learn to say, "okay this test is much more important than this homework assignment, so I am going to study for my test instead of doing my homework." Instead, I usually try to do everything and stress myself out and freak out when I can't get everything done. When will I learn?
Probably the most stressful part of my schedule is not knowing when I work ahead of time. I am the kind of person who must plan out the entire week well in advance in order to get everything done because there is so much, and not knowing when I work, or knowing when I work but not knowing how long that shift will take, really throws me for a loop because then I can't plan how much homework I will be able to get done that day (which usually tends to be very little). And I HATE it when teachers say "oh by the way you need to do this assignment for homework and it's due tomorrow." NO NO NO! You have to tell me about homework a week in advance. You cannot spring something on me and tell me it is due tomorrow. I have not scheduled to do this assignment today, and therefore have ZERO time to do it.
One good thing in my life is that I have some amazing friends. My roommate Lexi is awesome and is always doing stuff for me and cheering me up. Yesterday she did my laundry! I was so shocked and grateful when I came home, I was close to tears. Saturday I got to spend some time with my roommate from spring term as we made pumpkin roll together. We laughed and I said stupid things, and it was so much fun. Lexi and I still see our roommates from last year occasionally too and that is always fun and exciting and just gives me a feeling of home when I am with them. Yesterday I also got to see my very good friend Erica, and that was so refreshing to talk to her. I love it when you can talk to someone you haven't seen in months and nothing has changed and you can just keep talking on and on about everything. You can really tell who are your true friends from such encounters. I just wish I could make friends at King Henry now. I suppose I'm so busy I wouldn't have time for them anyway, but still it would be nice to feel like I knew just one other person in the ward. I don't feel like I belong at all.
Well I hope this doesn't put me further behind in homework today, but I am planning to go to the temple this afternoon. Hopefully that will calm my frantic mind.
Well that's been me for the past oh three or four weeks. I just keep trudging along and keep praying that things will get easier soon. I am very excited for General Conference this weekend and I am very thankful to be here at BYU and to be learning the things I am learning.
And I'm really not loving where I live right now. I don't know anyone yet. We don't have FHE groups, we don't have Home Teachers, we don't have Visiting Teachers. FHE is always with the ward and it is at the same time I have class on Mondays. I am getting really frustrated with the fact that I don't know anyone. And I'm really frustrated with the fact that I haven't gone running in over a week and I'm supposed to be training for a half-marathon. And I haven't played the piano in weeks! That really really bugs me. I miss it so dang bad, but I haven't had time to play. I am only writing right now in this blog because I found some time before my next class starts.
I refuse to give up though. Everything happens for a reason, and trials are there to make us stronger and help us learn. I will get through this. So far, I have learned that I need to start studying for my botany test weeks in advance and not try to rely on the book to explain concepts to me. One thing I have a real big problem with, is prioritizing which things on my "important list" are most important and need to be done first. You see, when it comes to school work, I consider everything to be most important, even if it is a five point assignment. I try to get every assignment done and on time and perfect, but it simply isn't possible all of the time. I really need to learn to say, "okay this test is much more important than this homework assignment, so I am going to study for my test instead of doing my homework." Instead, I usually try to do everything and stress myself out and freak out when I can't get everything done. When will I learn?
Probably the most stressful part of my schedule is not knowing when I work ahead of time. I am the kind of person who must plan out the entire week well in advance in order to get everything done because there is so much, and not knowing when I work, or knowing when I work but not knowing how long that shift will take, really throws me for a loop because then I can't plan how much homework I will be able to get done that day (which usually tends to be very little). And I HATE it when teachers say "oh by the way you need to do this assignment for homework and it's due tomorrow." NO NO NO! You have to tell me about homework a week in advance. You cannot spring something on me and tell me it is due tomorrow. I have not scheduled to do this assignment today, and therefore have ZERO time to do it.
One good thing in my life is that I have some amazing friends. My roommate Lexi is awesome and is always doing stuff for me and cheering me up. Yesterday she did my laundry! I was so shocked and grateful when I came home, I was close to tears. Saturday I got to spend some time with my roommate from spring term as we made pumpkin roll together. We laughed and I said stupid things, and it was so much fun. Lexi and I still see our roommates from last year occasionally too and that is always fun and exciting and just gives me a feeling of home when I am with them. Yesterday I also got to see my very good friend Erica, and that was so refreshing to talk to her. I love it when you can talk to someone you haven't seen in months and nothing has changed and you can just keep talking on and on about everything. You can really tell who are your true friends from such encounters. I just wish I could make friends at King Henry now. I suppose I'm so busy I wouldn't have time for them anyway, but still it would be nice to feel like I knew just one other person in the ward. I don't feel like I belong at all.
Well I hope this doesn't put me further behind in homework today, but I am planning to go to the temple this afternoon. Hopefully that will calm my frantic mind.
Well that's been me for the past oh three or four weeks. I just keep trudging along and keep praying that things will get easier soon. I am very excited for General Conference this weekend and I am very thankful to be here at BYU and to be learning the things I am learning.
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