I heard so much from other missionaries about how they had overcome a challenge through the enabling power of the Atonement. Because I am naturally more afraid of talking to people, I focused on the stories of missionaries who were timid who came to the mission and immediately got over their fear or at least with a little bit of time they were able to come out of their shell and start talking to people on the street without fear.
I prayed that it would be the same for me. I prayed that I would get over my fear, that the Lord would give me courage. I felt that if I could do that, if I could talk to everyone on the street, the work would progress so much, and I knew that the Lord would put those prepared people in our path. But I couldn't get up the courage. I heard stories that when missionaries can't get up the courage to talk to people on the street, it is because they don't love the Lord very much, or they just don't want to. But I did want to. I don't know if there was anything I wanted more for myself on my mission than to get over my fear. And I did love the Lord. I love him with all my heart. He has done so much for me. But....he didn't help me get over my fear.
I never got up the courage. I would see a person and think "I need to talk to them! What if they have been searching for the truth? I have the truth!" But the closer we got, the faster my heart would go and I would panic and keep walking. I began to hate myself that I couldn't get over this stupid fear of mine.
One missionary suggested that I study grace every day and try to apply grace, see if God's grace would help me get over my fear. I also set the goal that for 6 weeks, every week I would talk to 4 people on the street. Well I did it, but I felt like I cheated. You see there were very few people that I actually got the courage to walk up to and start the conversation. The majority of those people walked up to me and started asking questions. And we saw miracles through it! But I still felt like I cheated a little. And the more I studied grace, the more frustrated I got. Apparently God's grace can do so many things, but it didn't apply to me. It could help people do miracles and overcome the biggest of challenges. But it couldn't help me with mine.
And then I read one of the most beautiful talks by Sherri Dew on God's grace and I realized I was defining grace all wrong.
I saw grace as this power of God to help us overcome challenges, to help us do something we couldn't do before. And it is that. But it is more than that.
God's grace is manifest when we are able to forgive a companion who has seriously hurt your feelings and made you cry. God's grace is feeling love and concern for a person you hardly know. God's grace is feeling the spirit in a lesson. God's grace is finding the words to say in a lesson when you have no idea what these people need to hear. God's grace is when a women finds the answer to her prayers in the Book of Mormon and comes to you and says she wants to be baptized. God's grace is a woman showing up at the last moment to come back to church after a year of inactivity. God's grace is telling the Lord "there's nothing more I can do for this woman," and the next day she shows up at church. God's grace is reading the scriptures and finding an answer to a prayer.
And God's grace was evident every time a person walked up to me and asked about the church. It was evident when I reached my goal. Maybe I never overcame my weakness, but God made up for it. Paul in the New Testament talked about his weakness being a thorn in the flesh all the days of his life. He does not tell us what his weakness is, but clearly God never took it away. But God made up for it anyways. I never became the confident outgoing missionary I envisioned myself to be. But God made up for my weaknesses and I saw miracles. His grace was and still is all around me.
His grace was when I knelt in a bathroom and cried my heart out for God to not condemn this person we were teaching. It was there as I sobbed and my clenched hands shook, and a vision of the Lord in the Garden of Gethsemane came to my mind as the Lord told me "I have already paid the price."
God was there for me as I knelt by my bed and pleaded with the Lord to show me a sign that he was listening. He was there as I clung to my companion and cried when someone told us they no longer wanted to investigate the church. He was there as I asked myself over and over again if I had made the right choice in going on a mission. He was there when I felt so alone and so forgotten. He was there when my companion and I ran for our lives when a man was chasing us.
And he was there when my companion and I would sit and read from the Book of Mormon with a lady who had just lost her husband. He was there when we took a lady to the temple to do temple baptisms for the first time. He was there as my companion and I found joy in stepping on leaves on our way to appointments. He was there as my companion and I sang our hearts out in the pouring rain. He was there when numerous people would offer us water as we walked in 100 degree weather. He was there as a lady sang her heart out to the hymns in church even though it was her first time being there and she had no idea how the hymns went. He was there as a member bore their testimony to me at dinner, and my eyes watered and I knew God loved me.
God does love me. He was there with me every minute of my mission, helping me get through it. He was there with me in the frustrating moments, the painful moments, the sweet moments, the spiritual moments, the beautiful moments, the ugly moments, and the amazing moments. Every day was a miracle. God's grace was there every day.
I am so incredibly thankful for my Savior Jesus Christ, for there is no one else who knows exactly what I have been through. I am so thankful for his atonement. This Christmas season, that is what I am thankful for. Christ was the first gift. His life was all for us. Because he loves us. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
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