I hate being pore, but other than that life's good

Life's been busy, but life's been good. Last week took forever, but yesterday was great. I went running for the first time since winter began. The weather was beautiful! I so wanted to have a picnic, but had no one to picnic with. But if it is warm again this week, I am so going on a picnic. Yesterday I also made brownies and then went on a group date to see Wreck it Ralph. That movie is adorable! It was my first time seeing it. So cute and creative. Nothing very exciting other than that happened this week besides taking three midterms and working twice. I work so little hours it's quite ridiculous, but at least I get to eat really good food after most shifts. So long as there is food, I eat as much as I possibly can after work.

I am getting really tired of being pore. I'm sick of it. I've decided I never want to be pore again. I don't care about owning nice things, or living in a nice house, or owning a nice car, or buying expensive clothing. I don't care about any of that. I am just sick and tired of not being able to afford groceries. It was either Monday or Tuesday, I realized that I was still over a hundred dollars short for paying rent, and when I went to my cupboard, once again, all I had to eat was pasta. Pasta is not bad, but I had been eating nothing but pasta for the past couple of days, and I was sick of it and really wanted to go buy some food, but I didn't even have money to pay rent. And so I started to stress out and panic. I can not tell you how many times I have done this this semester, where I go to my cupboard, see the small amount of edible food, and start to panic.

I think something is wrong with me. Last semester I came to the realization that grocery shopping stresses me out. Well eating now stresses me out. I continue to eat, probably far more than I should, but every time I do (with the exception of pasta because I have plenty of it) I feel intense guilt, because once I consume that food item, I no longer own it. That's probably why I pig out after work, because I know that the food will just be thrown away if it's not eaten, and food has become more valuable to me than anything. I know, I know, it's a stupid way of looking at food. Sooner or later, it has to be consumed, and it's not a sin to eat food, but I still can't stop thinking "I shouldn't have eaten that. I should be stretching out my food, make it last longer, because soon I'm going to run out again."

It's a very unhealthy way of looking at life, and this is why I have decided I hate being pore and never want to be pore again. Anyways, that same day I panicked when I realized all I had to eat once again was pasta, I called my parents, they put money in my account, and I finally went grocery shopping for the first time since I don't know when. Occasionally, I'll go buy one or two items, but as I have said, shopping stresses me out, so I usually wait until my parents can buy groceries for me. It was one of the most liberating feelings! To be able to go to the store and say, okay there is money in my account, so I don't need to feel guilty. I can buy food and not stress about it. I have felt so much better ever since. Even with work and quizzes and midterms and papers, I am a lot happier knowing that when I come home, there is food in my fridge.

So usually I post something inspirational I have learned in my college journeying. Well, I learned that I hate being pore. Yep, let that inspire you. Other than that, besides being super busy with school, life has been good. I'm making friends, friends in my classes, friends in my ward, and friends at work. I'm getting super excited for my mission. And I am considering switching my major to Human Development after all since all of the classes I want to take are human development classes, rather than classes about the family.

That is my life. It is crazy and I am crazy, but it is a good life.